I'm still here.

I’m back. This has been the summer from hell. Rant is going through all kinds of personal shit that really sucks. What can you do? Life just has a way of just fucking coming at you. You can either retreat or keep marching through the storm. I choose to keep marching through the storm. I’ve been through much worse and I’m still standing.

Someone out there reading this has experienced what I am going through. I won’t get into it much right now except to say: perimenopause and the psychological impairment that can accompany it. I’ve been dealing with it for years and have finally put my finger it. Sometimes just defining something can help in dealing with it. Let me just say that it’s bad.  If nothing else, we all know that Rant is a survivor. I have walked though some shit that would break most men. It almost drove me insane but I came out the other side stronger than ever. I am no longer enslaved by my past or definitions that people have been foisting on me for decades. I’m fine. I’m OK. I’m glad I’m alive.

Now I’m dealing with some else who is going through a physical transformation that seems to be bringing out their pain. Sadly, instead of dealing with it I am the brunt of their rage. I can handle it. I made a commitment to handle it and I take that shit seriously. I don’t know what will happen but I’m getting the feeling that none of this will end well for anyone involved. Sometimes that’s just life and one just needs to carrying on in spite of it all. In the end I need to know that I did the right thing, that I did all I could do to make things right. Somewhere beyond all this ugliness, selfishness and mental confusion is a new opportunity, a new phase of life that will be different, maybe even better.

As you have noticed I not been writing lately other than insipid Facebook posts. Even though it’s trite, I seem to find comfort in posting and reading memes. I like to see old friends posting pictures of their kids and even grandkids nowadays. I know they have their own pain and many of them are out on the proverbial ledge. They aren’t “happy”, per se but they say fuck it, I’m pretending to be happy or maybe in spite of the pain they can get happiness out of a smiling photo of their kid or some corny joke.  We are all just trying to survive in our own way. We are all trying to make some sense of what we are doing here on earth. What is my purpose?

I have many purposes in this phase of my existence but my main purpose is simply to exist. Right now my purpose is to keeping crawling through a tidal wave of shit being forced upon me. Some of it is certainly my own making but not all of it, not even most of it. But here’s the thing. In the end no one gives a fuck. Oh they may try to sympathize or empathize but in the end you need to walk through your own shit alone. No one can do it for you and no one really has any solutions to your dilemma. They can share their experiences and that certainly helps but they can’t carry you.  And ultimately you don’t want them to carry you.

So having said all that bullshit, I’m back. If nothing else I need to write. It’s cathartic in its own way. I know I am no great writer and my punctuation sucks but it feels good to get shit out on paper. My life will most likely get turned upside down over the next 6 months to a year. Dealing with some one unstable that refuses to believe they are unstable is trying, to say the least.

I still want to write about fitness stuff and the importance of it during trying times.  With all this chaos I still carve out time most days to train. I’m mostly just doing dips, pull ups, presses, swings and stuff like that. My weight is lower now but primarily because I don’t eat much during the day. Its stress not any great dietary change on my part.  This would be a great time for me to really take hold of my health.