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Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Swinging my way through a divorce.

First off, thanks to those of you who commented and shared what you have experienced with the menopause thing. Wife had a hysterectomy of few years back and has never been 100% since then.  It’s fucked up. I’m trying to look at it like this. I went through an awful depression years back and she stuck right by me the whole time. She was a champ. No matter what happens I will never forget that. Maybe now is my turn to tough it out with her. Even though she seems to have no interest in staying together, I have to keep the door just a bit cracked. That’s about the best I can do. If she wants to go, all I ask is that I get to stay in the house with the kids at least half the time if not more. It seems reasonable. I wouldn’t want a nickel from her.  She can go find whatever it is that she is looking for.

In the meantime, I just need to get on with life. I don’t feel much like doing anything but I’m not going to be some pussy that feels sorry for himself. This past weekend I was with a lot of friends, many of my female friends.  I know during times like this they say stick with same sex friends. I don’t know. They seem to bring a different perspective to it. They know me and how devoted I am to my family and that I have never stepped out on the wife. They are also able to pump up my self-esteem by telling me what a “great guy” I am and all that bullshit.  It’s just different coming from a woman at this point and time. Part of me right now just wants to go out and bang a dozen chicks but I know that won’t help. It won’t prove anything.

Right now I need to channel my energy into positive shit like church, seeing my therapist, talking with friends and family and that sort of thing. Working out is also really keeping me sane, although it’s the last thing I want to do.  Rarely in my life have I not wanted to train. It’s strange having to force myself into the gym. In light of this, I am keeping it real simple. I do a 22 minute workout 5-7 days a week. The first minute is a warm up and then at the top of every 90 seconds I do 10 swings followed by high step heavy hands for the remainder of the 90 seconds.  I hope that makes sense. I end up doing 130 swings and lots of high stepping in place with the 5 pounders. I swing the 5 pounders to the top of my head or higher depending on how I feel. This workout is a bit like running sprints followed by a fairly brisk recovery jog. In this heat I am drenched in sweat after the workout and gasping for air. It’s simple, short and effective. Right now that is about the best I can do, which isn’t so bad. I just wait for the beep at the top of 90 seconds and swing and then step. I can just shut my mind off for 22 minutes.  Afterward I feel good with all that fresh, oxygenated blood rushing through my body. It’s like wringing out your insides like a sponge.

Lately I have been finding myself drinking a bit more. I’ll knock back 2-4 beers in the evening just to take off the edge. I don’t do this every night but many nights I have been. It helps for a bit but then I just feel down afterwards so I am backing away from this. It’s been fine the last few evenings. I feel much better not drinking regularly.  One of my relatives married a nut and went through an awful divorce a few years back. He dove into a bottle and he’s never come out. I don’t want to do that. I won’t do that. Why should I?


It feels very cathartic to write so I’ll keep it up. Sorry for all the touchy-feely bullshit but that’s just where I’m at right now. I’ll still incorporate all this with training. Maybe it’s a, “How I trained my way through a divorce” segment of the MI. Maybe this will push me to a million hits. LOL! I will say this. I have been with this blog in one fashion or another since 1998. Coincidently, I started it just after I got married. This blog has helped me through many phases of my life both good and bad. At the very least it’s an amusing distraction. Now it’s therapeutic.  I know I’ll get through this as some of you have stated. On the other side, I’ll come out better, stronger and more confident. 

Monday, August 22, 2016

Life sucks.

Right now I am going through one of the worst down periods of my life. Unceremoniously, my wife announced that she wanted a divorce.  This was in late June. I was stunned and still am. I understand her reasons, I suppose but they aren’t the kinds of things one usually associates with divorce like abuse, infidelity and all that crap. To me these reasons are hardly grounds for divorce but what can I do? I can only hold tight and keep taking care of my kids like I have always done.

Personally, I have never even contemplated divorce in any meaningful way. Despite being a sarcastic asshole I do believe in the religious principles of marriage.  I don’t fault anyone for getting a divorce. Shit does happen. I took those vows to heart; maybe I failed to be a better man or failed to hear what her needs were. It seems that years of resentments have piled up and simply overwhelmed her. All these details from the past but once again nothing all that earth shattering. With 5 children I don’t what to do. She doesn’t want to reconcile but we have no real plan for what life after divorce would look like.

If you’ve been through this you understanding the gut wrenching pain, the fear and the uncertainty of it all. And then there are the kids. Good lord, I stay up nights think about this. For their sake I need to do something but nothing seems to help.
For weeks now I have wondered if my return to the drink has somehow propelled this. When I asked, the answer was no and it makes sense I guess.  I really haven’t pulled any nonsense. I don’t drink and drive and I still go to work. I’m not in a blackout of something.  I don’t have any idea what might be going on with her. She seems like a different person, like someone possessed by something awful, just filled with hatred.

I feel like I need to do something but what? Any attempt to reconcile or apologize only makes matters worse. To say that I feel like a failure is an understatement.  To say that I’m confused doesn’t even come close. Everything just seems out of my control right now. I’m on the ropes, simply covering up and praying that the round ends with me still on my feet.

This weekend I got away with my oldest son to visit some friends at their campground. I have been trying to act as if life was normal by doing normal things but it’s not really working. People say the psychic pain is palpable.  I’m trying but I just can’t mask it. I tried throwing back a six pack and a few shots to numb the pain but it didn’t work. It only made the next day that much worse.

As bad as this is, I have been through much worse in my life. Getting kicked around and shit on just seems part of the human condition. And let’s face it, my problems are high end compared to some people in the world. Still, it hurts. When you’re knee deep in your own shit it’s all relative. I work with two people that both lost children in tragic and unnecessary deaths.  I can’t imagine that pain and hope I never have to experience it.

Having said all this shit, I still feel the need to do something proactive.  So I have decided to really clean up my act in terms of diet and training. For now the booze and other stuff is out. I’m going to be busting my ass in the gym. Two workouts a day if necessary, even brief ones. I want to go to bed at 9 exhausted.  I want to pour my energy into my kids even more. I want to reestablish myself with God.  I haven’t been living an awful life but I’m not living a good one either. I feel defective, dirty and defeated.

Throughout my life I have had some serious challenges, like many of you have. This might be another opportunity to reinvent myself, to start a fresh new chapter in this life. I have no idea where this will all go. I feel so out of control I just need to find something I can exercise some control over and that’s me. My doctor told me to start writing again in a journal but fuck journals. I don’t really like to journal but I do like to write here. I realize it lacks a certain amount of discretion but I’m not divulging any details about anyone but me and how I am feeling at the moment.  Most people I know don’t even know I have this blog.

My depression is in check. I’m still following proper protocol and will continue to do so. I have a great team looking out for my emotional, psychological, spiritual and physical health. I am blessed to have such good people in my life.  Now I need to take care of myself.





Wednesday, August 10, 2016

Workout update

Yesterday was Tuesday so it was my cardio day. I did a man maker of sorts. Set the timer for 16 minutes and did swings followed by heavy hands marching in place with the 5lbs dumbbells. This was a lot harder than it sounds but I found it productive.  Right now I am just kind of doing a BB thing. Today I will do dips, chin ups or rows, military presses, curls, neck work and lots of ab work. I go by feel but at least get 3 work sets in, usually in the 5-8 rep range. I do this on MWF and on TTH I do a little manmaker/cardio routine. Everything goes by feel.

Right now I’m dealing with some elbow or maybe lower tricep pain so the chin ups may have to be stopped for now. I really suck at chins and they don’t seem to deliver for the effort and little injuries.  I’ve just never been able to chin respectably. Maybe it’s time to accept it and move onto other exercises that might be more productive for me.


Tuesday, August 9, 2016

I'm still here.

I’m back. This has been the summer from hell. Rant is going through all kinds of personal shit that really sucks. What can you do? Life just has a way of just fucking coming at you. You can either retreat or keep marching through the storm. I choose to keep marching through the storm. I’ve been through much worse and I’m still standing.

Someone out there reading this has experienced what I am going through. I won’t get into it much right now except to say: perimenopause and the psychological impairment that can accompany it. I’ve been dealing with it for years and have finally put my finger it. Sometimes just defining something can help in dealing with it. Let me just say that it’s bad.  If nothing else, we all know that Rant is a survivor. I have walked though some shit that would break most men. It almost drove me insane but I came out the other side stronger than ever. I am no longer enslaved by my past or definitions that people have been foisting on me for decades. I’m fine. I’m OK. I’m glad I’m alive.

Now I’m dealing with some else who is going through a physical transformation that seems to be bringing out their pain. Sadly, instead of dealing with it I am the brunt of their rage. I can handle it. I made a commitment to handle it and I take that shit seriously. I don’t know what will happen but I’m getting the feeling that none of this will end well for anyone involved. Sometimes that’s just life and one just needs to carrying on in spite of it all. In the end I need to know that I did the right thing, that I did all I could do to make things right. Somewhere beyond all this ugliness, selfishness and mental confusion is a new opportunity, a new phase of life that will be different, maybe even better.

As you have noticed I not been writing lately other than insipid Facebook posts. Even though it’s trite, I seem to find comfort in posting and reading memes. I like to see old friends posting pictures of their kids and even grandkids nowadays. I know they have their own pain and many of them are out on the proverbial ledge. They aren’t “happy”, per se but they say fuck it, I’m pretending to be happy or maybe in spite of the pain they can get happiness out of a smiling photo of their kid or some corny joke.  We are all just trying to survive in our own way. We are all trying to make some sense of what we are doing here on earth. What is my purpose?

I have many purposes in this phase of my existence but my main purpose is simply to exist. Right now my purpose is to keeping crawling through a tidal wave of shit being forced upon me. Some of it is certainly my own making but not all of it, not even most of it. But here’s the thing. In the end no one gives a fuck. Oh they may try to sympathize or empathize but in the end you need to walk through your own shit alone. No one can do it for you and no one really has any solutions to your dilemma. They can share their experiences and that certainly helps but they can’t carry you.  And ultimately you don’t want them to carry you.

So having said all that bullshit, I’m back. If nothing else I need to write. It’s cathartic in its own way. I know I am no great writer and my punctuation sucks but it feels good to get shit out on paper. My life will most likely get turned upside down over the next 6 months to a year. Dealing with some one unstable that refuses to believe they are unstable is trying, to say the least.


I still want to write about fitness stuff and the importance of it during trying times.  With all this chaos I still carve out time most days to train. I’m mostly just doing dips, pull ups, presses, swings and stuff like that. My weight is lower now but primarily because I don’t eat much during the day. Its stress not any great dietary change on my part.  This would be a great time for me to really take hold of my health.  

Thursday, June 30, 2016

Follow Rant on facebook

Rant is now a facebook maven. Find me on facebook and friend me. I post my workout shit there for now.