First off, thanks to those of you who commented and shared what you have experienced with the menopause thing. Wife had a hysterectomy of few years back and has never been 100% since then. It’s fucked up. I’m trying to look at it like this. I went through an awful depression years back and she stuck right by me the whole time. She was a champ. No matter what happens I will never forget that. Maybe now is my turn to tough it out with her. Even though she seems to have no interest in staying together, I have to keep the door just a bit cracked. That’s about the best I can do. If she wants to go, all I ask is that I get to stay in the house with the kids at least half the time if not more. It seems reasonable. I wouldn’t want a nickel from her. She can go find whatever it is that she is looking for.
In the meantime, I just need to get on with life. I don’t feel much like doing anything but I’m not going to be some pussy that feels sorry for himself. This past weekend I was with a lot of friends, many of my female friends. I know during times like this they say stick with same sex friends. I don’t know. They seem to bring a different perspective to it. They know me and how devoted I am to my family and that I have never stepped out on the wife. They are also able to pump up my self-esteem by telling me what a “great guy” I am and all that bullshit. It’s just different coming from a woman at this point and time. Part of me right now just wants to go out and bang a dozen chicks but I know that won’t help. It won’t prove anything.
Right now I need to channel my energy into positive shit like church, seeing my therapist, talking with friends and family and that sort of thing. Working out is also really keeping me sane, although it’s the last thing I want to do. Rarely in my life have I not wanted to train. It’s strange having to force myself into the gym. In light of this, I am keeping it real simple. I do a 22 minute workout 5-7 days a week. The first minute is a warm up and then at the top of every 90 seconds I do 10 swings followed by high step heavy hands for the remainder of the 90 seconds. I hope that makes sense. I end up doing 130 swings and lots of high stepping in place with the 5 pounders. I swing the 5 pounders to the top of my head or higher depending on how I feel. This workout is a bit like running sprints followed by a fairly brisk recovery jog. In this heat I am drenched in sweat after the workout and gasping for air. It’s simple, short and effective. Right now that is about the best I can do, which isn’t so bad. I just wait for the beep at the top of 90 seconds and swing and then step. I can just shut my mind off for 22 minutes. Afterward I feel good with all that fresh, oxygenated blood rushing through my body. It’s like wringing out your insides like a sponge.
Lately I have been finding myself drinking a bit more. I’ll knock back 2-4 beers in the evening just to take off the edge. I don’t do this every night but many nights I have been. It helps for a bit but then I just feel down afterwards so I am backing away from this. It’s been fine the last few evenings. I feel much better not drinking regularly. One of my relatives married a nut and went through an awful divorce a few years back. He dove into a bottle and he’s never come out. I don’t want to do that. I won’t do that. Why should I?
It feels very cathartic to write so I’ll keep it up. Sorry for all the touchy-feely bullshit but that’s just where I’m at right now. I’ll still incorporate all this with training. Maybe it’s a, “How I trained my way through a divorce” segment of the MI. Maybe this will push me to a million hits. LOL! I will say this. I have been with this blog in one fashion or another since 1998. Coincidently, I started it just after I got married. This blog has helped me through many phases of my life both good and bad. At the very least it’s an amusing distraction. Now it’s therapeutic. I know I’ll get through this as some of you have stated. On the other side, I’ll come out better, stronger and more confident.