Right now I am going through one of the worst down periods of my life. Unceremoniously, my wife announced that she wanted a divorce. This was in late June. I was stunned and still am. I understand her reasons, I suppose but they aren’t the kinds of things one usually associates with divorce like abuse, infidelity and all that crap. To me these reasons are hardly grounds for divorce but what can I do? I can only hold tight and keep taking care of my kids like I have always done.
Personally, I have never even contemplated divorce in any meaningful way. Despite being a sarcastic asshole I do believe in the religious principles of marriage. I don’t fault anyone for getting a divorce. Shit does happen. I took those vows to heart; maybe I failed to be a better man or failed to hear what her needs were. It seems that years of resentments have piled up and simply overwhelmed her. All these details from the past but once again nothing all that earth shattering. With 5 children I don’t what to do. She doesn’t want to reconcile but we have no real plan for what life after divorce would look like.
If you’ve been through this you understanding the gut wrenching pain, the fear and the uncertainty of it all. And then there are the kids. Good lord, I stay up nights think about this. For their sake I need to do something but nothing seems to help.
For weeks now I have wondered if my return to the drink has somehow propelled this. When I asked, the answer was no and it makes sense I guess. I really haven’t pulled any nonsense. I don’t drink and drive and I still go to work. I’m not in a blackout of something. I don’t have any idea what might be going on with her. She seems like a different person, like someone possessed by something awful, just filled with hatred.
I feel like I need to do something but what? Any attempt to reconcile or apologize only makes matters worse. To say that I feel like a failure is an understatement. To say that I’m confused doesn’t even come close. Everything just seems out of my control right now. I’m on the ropes, simply covering up and praying that the round ends with me still on my feet.
This weekend I got away with my oldest son to visit some friends at their campground. I have been trying to act as if life was normal by doing normal things but it’s not really working. People say the psychic pain is palpable. I’m trying but I just can’t mask it. I tried throwing back a six pack and a few shots to numb the pain but it didn’t work. It only made the next day that much worse.
As bad as this is, I have been through much worse in my life. Getting kicked around and shit on just seems part of the human condition. And let’s face it, my problems are high end compared to some people in the world. Still, it hurts. When you’re knee deep in your own shit it’s all relative. I work with two people that both lost children in tragic and unnecessary deaths. I can’t imagine that pain and hope I never have to experience it.
Having said all this shit, I still feel the need to do something proactive. So I have decided to really clean up my act in terms of diet and training. For now the booze and other stuff is out. I’m going to be busting my ass in the gym. Two workouts a day if necessary, even brief ones. I want to go to bed at 9 exhausted. I want to pour my energy into my kids even more. I want to reestablish myself with God. I haven’t been living an awful life but I’m not living a good one either. I feel defective, dirty and defeated.
Throughout my life I have had some serious challenges, like many of you have. This might be another opportunity to reinvent myself, to start a fresh new chapter in this life. I have no idea where this will all go. I feel so out of control I just need to find something I can exercise some control over and that’s me. My doctor told me to start writing again in a journal but fuck journals. I don’t really like to journal but I do like to write here. I realize it lacks a certain amount of discretion but I’m not divulging any details about anyone but me and how I am feeling at the moment. Most people I know don’t even know I have this blog.
My depression is in check. I’m still following proper protocol and will continue to do so. I have a great team looking out for my emotional, psychological, spiritual and physical health. I am blessed to have such good people in my life. Now I need to take care of myself.